I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
