I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
