I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
