Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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