So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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