Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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