She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
