Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
