two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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