i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
