finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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