i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
