That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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