I could have mohawked her pubes.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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