Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
