I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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