I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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