my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
