Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
