I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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