I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
