I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
ok first of all what the fuck
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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