I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
