It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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