I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
