nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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