you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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