Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize