I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize