dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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