R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
