I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
