Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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