i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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