if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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