I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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