I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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