It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
