I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
