New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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