I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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