we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
