Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
