I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
