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I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
