Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
