Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
