did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
