The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
