I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They took my balls.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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