so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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