i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
