So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I want her autograph on my taint
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
