well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
