She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize