Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
