Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
