allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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