woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
