I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
