Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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