what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
